As someone with two feet barely touching the ground, still learning how to walk like she just turned two — I was somehow my mother’s driver to every corner of this small town, foot on the gas pedal whenever she needed to go somewhere. My mom has a driver's license but driving long-distance gives her migraines and the highways freak her out, very understandable.
I recently went on a short trip with Mom and for the first time, the destination was not her nail shop and definitely not the grocery stores. I have always been close with my mother but this trip brought me closer. Closer to the wrinkles on her forehead, closer to the calluses on her hands, closer to the worries that she silently carried. Over the years, Mom’s frame got smaller meanwhile the portion of her homecooked meals stayed the same, the size of my bed stayed the same, the love for her family stayed the same. She refused to take a few days off work to go on this trip but with my constant nagging as I followed her around the kitchen, she gave in and the moment we sat down on the train, the excitement overflowed and poured out through many stories and questions. What fueled her excitement was not the big city she was heading to, not the delicious food she was going to try, not the people that she was going to meet after such a long time, but it was the traveling with a daughter that always leaves home to make a home somewhere else. A driver that always drives away from home. I also felt a sense of relief from her. My shoulders lifted some weight off of hers with my reassurance and promises that I am not sure how to keep but I will give my all to keep. My ears listened to every syllable because I wanted my mother, like every mother, to feel like she is seen, heard, and appreciated.
How could we have thought of Mom as Mom her entire life? Even though I’m a mother, I have so many dreams of my own, and I remember things from my childhood, from when I was girl and a young woman, and I haven’t forgotten a thing. So why did we think of Mom as a mom from the very beginning?
Shin Kyung-Sook, “Please Look After Mom”
Throughout the trip, I met a few sides of Mom that I have never seen before, or rarely. I took her to the casino and this woman who speaks little to no English was roaming around like she was back at her childhood playground. I looked up from a slot machine after trying to figure out which button to press so I could show her and she was just, gone. I found Mom sitting at a table with four other people placing down chips and cards that even I did not understand. Good for her. I walked downstairs one morning and saw my mom sewing a few pieces of clothing together and I was quite taken back, remembering that when she left home and arrived in Sài Gòn at the age of 16, tailoring was the career that brought freshly steamed jasmine rice to the dinner table, the stitches that fed her something other than boiled potatoes and fish sauce. She ended up owning her own shop where she designed clothes and taught many other young women who also left home to make a life in the big city. To prove to their parents that they do not need to marry at the blooming age of 18, to prove to themselves that they can grow anywhere despite their weak roots and strange locations. She has always been so selfless as a mother that I forgot that she exists beyond the way I live through her. All my life I have only known her as a mother.
All children will someday leave home, to embark on life voyages of their own All children will someday leave home to taste life's flavors: bitter, sour, salty, spicy, sweet - on their own. Đen Vâu, 'Mang tiền về cho mẹ'
When I was about to drive to the beach to meet someone and truly dive headlong into love for the first time, I nervously shared with Mom. At the age where I no longer need permission to go but more so the directions to go. The trip to the ocean was hard to navigate and was shorter than I thought but I think Mom knew that. Quietly helped me pack food that fed me and the love I was nurturing, quietly watched me unpack the remaining of my belongings that I brought back all torn apart - including myself, quietly helped me patch all the pieces together - including her own heart. For some reason, the road to home always stretches out and becomes the longest when you want to be back the most and I think Mom knew that. Everything that I was unprepared for, my mother had it all prepared. She stood to watch my fall and she reached to catch my fall. A mother’s embrace shields the sharpest arrow.
You realize that you habitually thought of Mom when something in your life was not going well, because when you thought of her it was as though something got back on track, and you felt re-energized.
Shin Kyung-Sook, “Please Look After Mom”
Ever since I had my own room, the door would stay locked whenever I am home. I value my privacy and alone time more than anything. Mom used to knock on the door multiple times a day to check up on me but over time, she knew to just do so subtly without it being opened. I still vividly remember when I was grieving that relationship, my door remained unlocked for the longest time. I wanted Mom to intrude, I wanted Mom to barge in whenever and stay however long. That stupid door. I wanted Mom to walk through it when I kept it unlocked, and she wanted to walk through it during all the times that it was locked just as much. She wanted to confide in me as much as I wanted to confide in her. But long gone are the days where I simultaneously lock myself in while locking Mom out. Both of our hearts are always open, ready to embrace one another.
With Mom in my passenger seat and with her love as fuel, there won’t be a place where distance is so vast that I will shy away from getting there. Foot slightly pressing on the gas pedal, slowly but safely, we will go through everything together, Mom.
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